You’ve made mistakes but it’s OK, I have too. I am putting myself out on a limb but I’m learning to love the truth and love even the girl I was ashamed of. You’ve been desperate, you’ve hated yourself and sometimes you wanted to feel good enough. That’s ok. In this society we are always being told to either succumb to a man and fuful his every desire to be loved. Or it is shameful not to be strong, to be desperate and to not love ourselves. Instead of building women up to have the latter qualities we tear them apart for having low self esteem. Like it’s a crime.
“You will do bad things to yourself for unrequited love, that does not make you unloveable. That will never make you unloveable.” – Ijeoma Umebinyuo
The seed of self hate was planted in me as a young child before sixth form I absolutely hated my self but i was still slowly healing before coming to university. I faced a lot of things growing up as you will have probably seen in my last articles, bullying, racism, xenophobia and stuff I am not giong to share, naturally I felt low about myself and I desired love. I thought the love of a man or anyone would feel that void.
Meanwhile instead of looking to heal I kept a facade of a strong woman who didn’t need anyone because I was too ashamed to admit I felt that way. I feel free now knowing I can admit this truth and start to heal. I will no longer apologise for the journey I had and still have to to take. I hope you don’t too. I’ve made a fool of myself. I have chased men even when they didn’t want me. I have allowed men to use and abuse me because I was so desperate to do everything for them to make them realise I was worthy of their love. I have spent a lot on clothes and time on fixing my personality to be worthy of their love. I’ve put myself in incredibly uncomfortable positions were they could have taken advantage of me and someone almost did take advantage of me just so I could feel worthy enough to be loved.
These men didn’t deserve it. You deserve to love yourself, feel whole alone and realise you are worth everything and more. You deserve a partner who recognises and treats you in accordance to your brilliance. That’s the message I want to send out to you. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of the things you did because you were looking for love in the wrong places. I have been laughed at publicly, behind my back and people have said so many nasty things and thought it was ok because I was desperate. (I mean no disrespect or ill will towards those people who hurt me we are all finding ourselves and I pray they become better and find happiness too).
I have had my personal information run around because of this. Don’t you ever blame yourself for other peoples pettiness. You are so much more than those words and the insecurity you feel. Hold your head high and realise those things don’t make you unworthy of love. You are on your journey heal whichever way you need to. I’ve put myself on the line for you. So you will have the courage to move on from your shame and forget the whispers behind you. Be yourself don’t try to be anything else and you will find her. There’s someone wonderful inside of you and once you love her even the bits you were taught to be ashamed of.
You will realise those crumbs of men or women or friends were never enough to feed you. You are perfect darling and remember some of us are rooting for you ! I am telling my story with my face and name attached to tell you I am not ashamed this is my truth and my story. I will walk around with my head held high like I deserve every good thing on this planet. Those things don’t define me. I am so comfortable in myself now and I know I can do good all by myself so let me tell you honey it’s so possible! Don’t be ashamed!