If you could see me now

By: Emily Maybanks

Based on the lyrics to ‘If you could see me now‘ by The Script.

Got to keep myself calm but the truth is you’re gone.

You’ve been gone for six years. Sometimes, that day feels like it was only yesterday. Sometimes, that day feels as though it was more than ten years ago. I’m still not certain which is better.

And there are days when I’m losing my faith.

I’m not certain what it is I do believe in, if anything at all. But, there are still days when I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning because my heart aches for you, and the whole that you’ve left in my world feels that little bit bigger.

I’m trying to make you proud.

I wish that I was even half the person that you were. You were brave; you were kind; you were an inspiration – you were my inspiration. One day, I promise to make you proud of me. I promise to make you proud of the daughter you left behind.

If you could see me now, would you recognise me?

Would you recognise me now? If you were alive today, would you recognise my face? Would you recognise my eyes – so similar to yours? Would you recognise me as the woman I am today, or would you be searching for the girl I was six years ago?

Would you pat me on the back, or would you criticise me?

Would you be proud of whom I am, or would you despise the person I am now? Would you give me a hug, like you used to? Or, would you call me a ‘failure’? Would you think that I am letting you down?

Would you follow every line on my tear stained face?

The tears I cried the day you died. The tears I cried on the day of your funeral. The tears I have cried since then. Would you follow the line of every single one? Would you wipe away the tears, like you used to when I was younger?

So, if you get a second to look down on me now.

Look at me, look at who I am. Look at the setbacks that I have overcome; look at the mistakes I’ve made, the wrongs I have tried so very hard to right. Also, look at the achievements I have persevered to gain.

I still look for your face in the crowd. 

Sometimes, when my phone rings, there’s a small, stupid part of me that wishes it will be your name flashing on the screen. There are days when all I want is to walk through the door and find you waiting for me, just like you used to.

Would you love me a loser or winner?

If I was failing everything, would you love me? If I was getting a little too arrogant and a bit too far ahead of myself, would you still love me? If my world was falling apart, would you love me and be by my side? If I was successful and famous, would you love me and be proud of me?

Oh, if you could see me now.

I try to imagine what you might say to me if you were alive today. I try to imagine how you would feel if you could see me now. I try to imagine how you would feel about the woman I am today; the woman who you have shaped me and inspired me to become; the woman who strives to do all that she can to make her father in heaven the proudest Dad ever.

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